Apple Pie Dip

I was trying to think of what to bring for dessert to Life Group today. I had some apples sitting around getting mushy and new it was time to do something with them before they all ended up in the trash. Remembering what my good friend had made for the other small group I was in, I called her up for her recipe.

Apple Pie Dip

2 apples, diced small

2 Tbsp lemon juice

3 Tbsp brown sugar

¼ tsp cinnamon

On the stove or in the microwave, cook apples until they gets “saucy”. Once the apples have let out a lot of their juice, stir in 1 tsp corn starch dissolved in 1 tsp water. Cook until thickened. Note: 2 apples doesn’t make a whole lot, so for our group of 11 people I had tripled the recipe.

S.O.A.P. Journaling: Luke 8:42-48

Our church started going through the book of Luke chapter by chapter since our kick-off Sunday in September. My choice in passage comes from our reading that week and is something that just hit me differently this time.

Scripture: As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for 12 years, but no one could heal her. She came behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped. “Who touched me?” Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.” But Jesus said, “Someone touched me, I know that power has gone out of me.” Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.”

Observation: Crowds are just that, crowded, pushing against each other. I can imagine myself as the woman, believing so much in this man in front of me that if I could just touch his coat I’d be healed. He doesn’t need to see me. I’m not worthy of him. And the moment I touch him, I know in my heart I am healed and I feel like I may have gotten away with something. Only, I am stopped by his words. “Who touched me?” To be so full of power that he could tell that my touch was different from all the others around him. She bared her soul to him, all the years of sickness and pain. Expecting anger or disgust because this unclean woman touched this man, making him unclean according to law, instead she received love and acceptance. He called her “Daughter”. He saw her, really saw her, as she had always hoped to be seen. She had so much faith in this stranger, she trusted in him fully. I can imagine feeling the peace because of his words... whole again…

Application: I have my own issues that I’ve been dealing with for years: depression, sleep apnea, joint/back pain, and obesity, just to name a few. I know he can heal me with just a word, just a touch. I need to let go of my control and let him be in charge. I need to stop depending on man to fill my needs because man will fall short. I need to trust God and have faith that he will provide for all my needs: physical, emotional and spiritual.

Prayer: Lord, teach me to have faith like the woman in the crowd. Show me I can trust in you when mankind has failed me. Help me in my unbelief.

Pumpkin Pie Cinnamon Buns

I was planning an out of town trip with a friend and our kids and wanted something fun to eat for breakfast on the road. I decided to try these. As an afterthought, they are too messy for the driver to eat, but if you give the others theirs on a plate, it worked fine. We ended up having to cancel our trip, but we all were able to enjoy these any way. I loved that they were yeast free!!!

Pumpkin Pie Cinnamon Buns (www.kitchenmeetsgirl.com)

For the filling:

¾ c pumpkin puree

¼ c brown sugar

2 tsp pumpkin pie spice

¼ c chopped pecans or walnuts (optional)

For the dough:

2 ½ c all-purpose flour

2 Tbsp granulated sugar

1 ¼ tsp baking powder

½ tsp baking soda

1 ¼ c buttermilk

6 Tbsp butter (divided into 2T/2T/2T and melted)

For the icing:

2 Tbsp butter

¼ c packed brown sugar

1 Tbsp milk

¼ tsp vanilla extract

Dash salt

¼ c to 1/3 c powdered sugar

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Spray a round 9-inch cake pan with non-stick cooking spray. For the filling: combine pumpkin puree, brown sugar and pumpkin pie spice in a small bowl. Set aside. To make your dough: Whisk together dry ingredients in a large bowl. Add 2 Tablespoons melted butter to the buttermilk and whisk to combine. Add milk mixture to the flour mixture and stir with a wooden spoon until the liquid is absorbed. Transfer the dough to a lightly floured work surface and knead until the dough becomes smooth. This took about 10 kneads for me (The original writer of recipe) Using your hands, pat the dough into a 12x9 rectangle. Brush with 2 tablespoons of the melted butter, then spoon the pumpkin filling mixture on top, leaving ½ inch border around the edges. Sprinkle nuts over the top, if desired. Press the filling down lightly so it will stick to your dough. Starting with the long side of your dough, roll the dough to form a tight cylinder. Pinch the edge to seal. Using a sharp knife or dental floss, cut the dough into 8 equal segments. Slightly flatten each bun to seal your open edges and keep your filling inside. Put one roll in the center of a 9-inch cake pan. Place the remaining 8 buns around the perimeter of the pan. Brush the tops with the remaining 2 tablespoons melted butter. Bake until the edges of the buns are golden brown, 23-25 minutes. If desired, remove buns from pan to a wire rack. Allow to cool for 5 minutes before icing.

For the icing: Melt butter in a small saucepan. Stir in the brown sugar and milk. Cook over medium heat for 1 minute, then add in vanilla, salt, and powdered sugar. Whisk until well blended. If needed, whisk in additional powdered sugar until you reach your desired consistency. Remove from heat and drizzle over buns. Notes: As usual, I used part white and part whole wheat flour.  I also used fresh pumpkin puree. I had a little trouble with the dough. I had doubled the recipe, and I wonder if I didn’t put in enough flour as the dough was really sticky. I ended up adding more flour as I spread it out on the counter or I never would’ve been able to roll it.

S.O.A.P. Journaling: Matthew 4:14 and Deuteronomy 8:1-5

S.O.A.P. journaling was taught to me by a dear friend in my Life Group this fall. S.O.A.P. stands for Scripture, Observation, Application, and Prayer. We journal once a week for Life Group, but a person could do this daily. In your personal study time, pick a scripture that spoke to you. Write out what you observe when you read it. I often pick up some great insight by reading my Bible’s study notes, too. Think about how you would apply this scripture to your life. The write a short prayer reflecting what you have learned from this passage. This is my first S.O.A.P. journal.

Scripture: Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting 40 days and 40 nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” Jesus answered, “It is written: Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.” Matthew 4:1-4

Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land that the Lord promised on oath to your forefathers. Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these 40 years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.

Observation:  I started with Luke 4:1-4, thinking this was a good reminder about my eating habits… food cannot fill the God-shaped holes in my heart. So I jumped to Matthew and again was reminded that when I allow myself to let down my guard, I am open to all kinds of temptations that are easier to stand firm against if I would spend enough time in scripture and prayer. Then I followed the rabbit trail to Deuteronomy to see what the original text was. Wow! First, it was the reminder to be obedient – I have to work on that. Next, was about the 40 years of wandering “to humble and test you” and it hit me that is why Jesus was in the desert, to be humbled as a man and to be tested. So, everybody (Israelites, Jesus, myself) was tempted by hunger to teach them to depend on God who fed them just by saying “manna”… His Word brings life! Then, the fact that for 40 years their clothes/shoes didn’t get worn out and all that walking never caused swelling! Disobedience leads to consequences whether we are 2, 12, 32 or 62!

Application: My study notes spoke volumes to me so I swiped most of my application from there: Many people think that life is based on satisfying their appetites. If they can earn enough money to dress, eat, and play in high style, they think they are living “the good life”. But such things do not satisfy our deepest longings. In the end they leave us empty and dissatisfied. Real life, according to Moses, comes from total commitment to God and living by every word that comes from Him. How can we live by his word? (1) Recognize our need for it (2) agree that God alone can truly satisfy us (3) Pray for God’s presence, wisdom, and directions as we read (4) Savor the relationship you have with him through Christ. (5) Practice what he teaches you. It’s usually easy for us to take God’s protection for granted. We seldom take notice or thank God when our car doesn’t break down, our clothes don’t rep or our tools don’t break. The people of Israel also failed to take notice, it seems, for they didn’t even notice that in 40 years of wandering in the dessert, their clothes didn’t wear out and their feet didn’t swell. Thus, they did not remember to give thanks to God for these blessings. What has been working well for you? What has been giving you good service? What has been lasting for a long time without breaking down or apart? Remember to thank God for these quiet blessings.

Prayer: Father God, I am reminded often of my love/hate relationship with food and eating, but I hardly pay attention to the reason I struggle. Lord, I have hungered for a deeper relationship with you for years. I need to remember to turn to you first when I’m tempted. Help me be obedient. Help me give thanks for all the things that are good or working in my life. I don’t want to treat you like a genie or Santa, talking to you only when I need something or when times are rough. Show me your hand, active in my life and help me remember to praise you in all circumstances and for all things. Amen.

I love Caramel!!!

If you can’t tell, I love to bake! Its especially fun to bake when I know I’ll be serving it to people who love fresh baked goodies! Both of these recipes I made for my Life Group Bible Study. They are wonderful fall flavors and were served still warm. They would’ve been wonderful with a scoop of ice cream, but we didn’t have any on hand.

Oatmeal Cake with Carmel Icing (www.tasteofhome.com)

1 ¼ cup boiling water

1 cup quick cooking oats

¼ cup butter, softened

1 cup packed brown sugar

½ c sugar

2 eggs

¼ c unsweetened applesauce

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 ½ cups all purpose flour

2 tsp baking powder

¾ tsp ground cinnamon

½ tsp baking soda

½ tsp salt

¼ tsp ground nutmeg

For Icing:

½ cup packed brown sugar

¼ cup butter, cubed

¼ cup fat-free milk

½ tsp vanilla extract

1/8 tsp salt

1 ½ cups confectioner’s sugar

In a small bowl, pour boiling water over oats; let stand 10 minutes. Meanwhile, preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a large bowl, beat butter and sugars until crumbly, about 2 minutes. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in applesauce and vanilla. Combine flour, baking powder, cinnamon, baking soda, salt and nutmeg. Gradually add to creamed mixture. Stir in the oats. Pour into a 9x13 baking pan coated with cooking spray. Bake 18-22 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in center comes out with moist crumbs. Cool completely on a wire rack. For icing, in a small saucepan, combine brown sugar and butter. Bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring constantly. Cook and stir for 1 minute. Gradually whisk in milk. Return to a boil. Cook and stir for 1 minutes. Gradually beat in confectioner’s sugar until smooth. Immediately spread icing over cake. Let stand until set. Note: I used part white and part whole wheat flour on this one.

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Fresh Apple Cake w/ Brown sugar glaze (www.lickthebowlgood.blogspot.com)

Apple cake:

1 ½ c all purpose flour

1 c sugar

½ tsp baking soda

½ tsp salt

½ tsp cinnamon

2 eggs

½ c canola oil

1 tsp vanilla

1 ½ c finely chopped apples

½ c pecans or walnuts, chopped (optional)

Brown sugar glaze:

½ c packed light brown sugar

3 Tbsp butter

½ tsp vanilla

1 Tbsp heavy cream

For the cake: Heat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease an 8-inch pan and set aside. In a medium bowl, combine the flour, sugar, baking soda, salt and cinnamon. Stir with a whisk to mix everything together. In a large bowl, mix the eggs with a hand mixer til light in color and foamy. Add the oil and vanilla and beat well. Stir in the flour mixture with a spoon and continue stirring the batter until the flour disappears. Add the apples and nuts (if using) and stir to mix them into the batter. Scrape batter into prepared pan and bake for 40-45 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Place the hot cake on a wire rack to cool. While it is still hot, prepare the glaze. For the glaze: combine all the ingredients into a saucepan. Cook over medium heat, stirring often, until the mixture comes to a gentle boil. Cook for 3-5 minutes. Spoon the hot glaze over the still hot-from-the-oven cake. Let the glazed cake cool completely before serving straight from the pan.

Quick Breads!

I love bread, but being allergic to yeast, I’ve had to give up one of my favorite foods! So, I’ve turned to quick breads. Often sweeter, they satisfy my hunger for bread and my sweet tooth at the same time. I made these 2 quick breads for my MOPS group recently.

Cinnamon Swirl Banana Bread

For the bread:

3 over-ripe bananas, mashed

1/3 c melted butter

¾ c sugar

1 egg, beaten

1 tsp vanilla

1 tsp baking soda

Dash of salt

1 ½ c flour

For the swirl:

1/3 c sugar

1 Tbsp cinnamon

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter and flour loaf pan (9x5). Mix bananas, butter, sugar, egg and vanilla together. Sprinkle baking soda and salt around on top of banana mixture. Gently stir in flour. Be careful not to over-mix. In a small dish, mix together the swirl ingredients. Add ½ of the batter to the loaf pan and then sprinkle half of the cinnamon-sugar mixture all over the batter in the pan. Add the rest of the batter, and then sprinkle the rest of the cinnamon-sugar on top. Bake for 50-60 minutes. Notes: I used part white and part wheat flour. I had troubles removing my bread from the pan as I think I put too much swirl mix too close to the edges of the pan. It caused my bread to break apart.

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Chocolate Swirled Pumpkin Zucchini Bread (www.sweettreatsmore.com)

3 cups flour

1 ½ Tbsp pumpkin pie spice

1 tsp salt

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder

3 eggs

2 ¼ c sugar

½ cups applesauce

½ cup canned pumpkin

1 tbsp vanilla extract

2 ½ cups shredded zucchini

¾ cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease 2 8x8 bread pans and set aside. In a bowl, whisk together flour, salt, pumpkin pie spice, baking soda, and baking powder and set aside. In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat eggs, sugar, applesauce, and canned pumpkin together until smooth. Slowly beat dry ingredients not wet ingredients until combined. Stir in shredded zucchini. Melt chocolate chips in the microwave, stirring in 15 second intervals until smooth. Pour ¼ of the batter into each of the bread pans. Spoon a few tablespoons of melted chocolate over the batter and swirl into the batter with a toothpick. Pour the remaining batter into the two pans, spoon more chocolate over the batter and swirl in again. Bake at 350 degrees for about 35-50 minutes or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean. Notes: I used part whole wheat and part white flour. And I used fresh pumpkin puree instead of canned.

S.O.A.P. Journaling

This summer, we had some new people who moved to town from California. They brought with them an idea for a small group they belonged to out west. This Life Group wasn’t like any small group I had been involved with before. This group is centered on fellowship and prayer for each other. Although we study the Bible, it’s not “just another Bible Study”. Each week, we take the time to share a verse or passage that meant something to us. The way we share our passage is through S.O.A.P. journaling.  This acronym stands for Scripture, Observation, Application and Prayer. We may share from Luke, the book we are studying at Church Sunday morning, or from Matthew, which is what some of us are studying at Bible Study Fellowship. Sometimes, we share scripture from our own personal devotional time. We share what we observed from the verse. Then we share how we applied that verse to our life. Lastly we share a short prayer for our selves. I had never looked at scripture this way and have found that I really enjoy it. I’m going to share some of my journaling with you.

Scripture: I John 1:8-9 (NIV)

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Observation: Several places in scripture remind us that as a descendant of Adam, I have been born with a sinful nature. God asks us to confess those sins to Him. He will forgive us and cleanse us. That’s why Jesus had to die!

Application: Life is hard. I make mistakes. I hurt people I love and am hurt by people I love. I have been making a conscious effort over the past year especially to humble myself and take responsibility for my part in conflict or in the hurt I have caused others. I am working at seeking forgiveness from them and from God. I am working to forgive those who seek forgiveness from me.

Prayer: Heavenly Father, Its brought to my mind time and again lately where I’ve hurt someone I love. Please help me to seek forgiveness for what I’ve done wrong. Help me to be content in knowing that I am forgiven by you even if the one I hurt isn’t ready to forgive me. Your forgiveness of my sins is all that truly matters. AMEN.

Harvest Season Favorites

I love fall baking. There are so many things you can make with pumpkin! I’m going to share 2 of my favorites today. I recently made both of these desserts for my Life Group Bible Study. They were huge hits.

Chocolate Pumpkin Pie Brownies (www.chocolatecoveredkatie.com )

¼ cup unsweetened cocoa powder

½ cup flour (whole wheat, white, spelt or even oat!)

¼ tsp baking powder

¼ tsp plus 1/16 tsp salt

2/3 c sugar (or xylitol, or ½ c maple syrup or agave, but it’ll be gummier with liquid sweetener)

1 packet NuNaturals stevia (or 1 more Tbsp agave/sugar)

½ cup canned pumpkin (or pureed pumpkin or sweet potato)

3 Tbsp oil (you can omit but be warned: the brownies will be gummy)

2 Tbsp non-dairy milk

1 ½ tsp pure vanilla extract

½ c chocolate chips

Combine dry ingredients, and mix very well. Combine wet ingredients, then mix into dry. Pour into a greased pan (it will fill up half an 8x8) Cook for about 23 minutes at 330 F. I’m not sure why this is the case, but these brownies seem to taste ten times sweeter if you don’t eat them for at least an hour after they come out of the oven. Notes: First off, I doubled the recipe so I could use a 9x13 pan. I used a mix of white and wheat flour. I used regular sugar and fresh pureed pumpkin. I have always used oil (this time it was coconut oil). I have used almond milk prior, but this time I only had skim on hand and it worked fine.

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Lightened up Pumpkin Cream Cheese Swirl Bars (www.cookiesandcups.com )

1 (8oz) block 1/3 less fat cream cheese

¾ cup powdered sugar

1 Tbsp water

1 (16 oz) Angel Food Cake Mix

1 (15 oz) can pumpkin

¾ cup water

½ tsp pumpkin pie spice

½ tsp cinnamon

Preheat over to 375 degrees. Spray a 9x13 pan with nonstick spray. In your stand mixer combine cream cheese, powdered sugar and 1 Tbsp water mixing on Medium high for 1-2 minutes until smooth and creamy. Set aside. In a large bowl combine box of dry cake mix, pumpkin, ¾ c water, cinnamon and pumpkin pie spice. Stir until smooth and combined. Spread pumpkin mixture into your prepared pan. Drizzle your cream cheese on top of the pumpkin mixture and swirl it in with a butter knife. Bake for 25-30 minutes until center is set and toothpick comes out clean. Cool completely and cut into squares. Store in an airtight container for up to 3 days. Refrigerate if desired. Notes: I don’t have a stand mixer, so it was hard work for my handheld mixer. I did microwave the cream cheese just a few seconds to make it easier.

Muffins

 

These are a favorite of my family. The ingredients can get a little more spendy, but the result is so yummy and healthy! This can be considered gluten free as there is no flour in it! But as always, check your labels! I don’t remember where I found this recipe.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Muffins

½ cup butter or coconut oil

½ c honey

½ c cocoa powder

¾ c peanut butter or almond butter

4 large eggs

½ tsp baking soda

¾ c chocolate chips (optional)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Gently melt together butter and honey. Whisk in cocoa powder and peanut butter until smooth. Whisk in eggs and baking soda. Pour into lined or greased muffin tin. Bake for 18-22 minutes, or until done. Yields 12 muffins. Note: I used coconut oil and peanut butter and they were moist and cakey.

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This was another one that made my kids happy. J This one isn’t as healthy but is supper good. I got this one at www.thehappyhousewife.com. She always has some wonderful recipes that are really easy to make.

Brown Sugar Cinnamon Muffins

1 ¾ cups flour

1/3 cup sugar

2 tsp baking powder

¼ tsp salt

1 egg

¾ c milk

¼ c canola oil (or applesauce)

Brown sugar

Cinnamon

Mix together flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. Add egg milk and oil. Mix together. Fill muffin cups ¼ full with batter. Add a pinch of brown sugar (or a little more). Cover the brown sugar with additional batter. Sprinkle brown sugar and cinnamon on top. Bake for 15 minutes at 350 degrees. Serve. Note: I used some wheat flour with white flour. I did use the applesauce. I also doubled the recipe.

I love my husband!!!!

And so it begins... One of the joys with writing a blog is connecting with people who feel encouraged by the things shared. One of the problems with writing a blog is the people who comment and put you down for the things you share. The other day I shared the link to my testimony post on Facebook. There were so many encouraging words from people who cared about me. Then, somebody who knew my hubby and myself back when we first started dating and when we first got married had commented some very mean spirited things. He felt that I was doing a disservice to Galen for sharing when I had actually had his permission to share. He felt I had only shared my testimony to stroke my own ego. I could say more about what he said, but its not worth it.

I feel bad that somebody would misunderstand my testimony and blog to such an extent. I felt I did a good job representing how my past shaped my side of the marriage problems. I thought I made it clear that my dear hubby made changes because he realized how much he was hurting me, not because I was forcing him to cut something out of his life.

I love my husband. He is a wonderful, Godly man. He is a hard worker and a great leader. He is a wonderful provider and an amazing father. He loves me for who I am. He loves me for who I was. I love that he isn't perfect and doesn't expect me to be perfect. I love that he wants me to stay home and focus on being the best wife and mom I can be. I appreciate how he takes care of me when I'm sick, comforts me when I'm sad, and encourages me when I'm stressed. Next to God, he has been such a rock through my struggles with depression and anxiety. He has supported me with my struggle to lose weight.

I'm going to keep writing. I'm going to keep sharing my struggles. I'm going to keep sharing my victories. I'm going to keep sharing what I learn about myself and my marriage. I strongly believe that God has allowed me to go through the things I've gone through to teach me, to teach my family, to teach others... to show there is victory in Him. All relationships are worth the work to make them last. And I'm going to keep working to make our marriage better every day. I want my kids to look at mom and dad, knowing that we love each other, knowing that we fight sometimes but we still love each other. Marriage is about compromise and sacrifice. Marriage is God first, spouse next and kids last. This is me. Take me as I am.

My Marriage: The good, The Bad, and how we are getting through it

A year ago, I was invited to share my testimony at my church during our Wednesday night supper/testimony time. At the time, I wasn't comfortable sharing it as there would be kids listening... my kids, just to name a few. I wasn't ready to share the icky parts of my past with my then 4 & 7 year-olds. Then, last spring I was invited to share my testimony at my friend's MOPS group. I decided that was a group that maybe, just maybe, my story could help. So, with a little bit of fear and trembling, I shared with a group of 30-40 moms. It went really well. I stuck around for a small group discussion after and the feed back from the ladies reminded me how I wasn't alone. We all have our stories... and sadly, so many had stories very similar to my own.

Last night, at our church's Trunk-or-Treat, we had a guy from a local prison ministry come and visit. I shared how I had been approached to share my testimony before and he asked if I would be interested in sharing at the prison. Wow! Another chance for God to use my messy story? You bet! Well, nothing is set in stone yet, but I decided to read through and edit my testimony a little bit. I forwarded it on to him to decide if it was something he felt would be encouraging to those in his group. As I wait to hear from him, I decided to put it out here. My marriage is still a work in progress, so be kind if you comment.

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My story is probably similar to some of yours. When I was asked me to share about my marriage struggles with your group, I was flattered and glad my roller coaster story could finally serve a purpose and help somebody who feels alone in their struggles. However, the more I thought about my story, the less I felt like I should do this. Things went through my head, like: “My story is nothing special. I haven’t been through the hard stuff that she has. Maybe all these struggles I’ve had are all in my head and nobody will care about what I say.”

On April 20, 2014, my husband Galen and I will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary and our 13th year together. We have 2 wonderful kids. We have a nice little house and 2 cars. My husband’s job is nothing glamorous, but he earns enough money that I’m able to be a stay-at-home mom. Through Dave Ramsey and FPU we’ve paid off about $10,000 of debt in less than 1 year. Some may say my life looks perfect. That we have it all together but 4 years ago I thought it was ending and I’d be a single parent. Let me back up and start from the beginning.

1        Growing up

I was born and raised to Christian parents in a Christian home. Growing up on a farm in the middle of nowhere Minnesota had its challenges. I was the 3rd child out of 4. The professional counselors always talk about daddy issues being a cause of girls making bad choices as they grow up. I can see how that is possible. My dad was always busy with the cows or in the field. If I wanted to spend time with dad, I had to be working beside him. I was little and not so strong, so I avoided work as much as I could get away with it. As a farm kid, money was tight. We didn’t go on shopping trips or family vacations. We never went to the movie theater or skating rink. I can count on both hands how many parties (birthday or otherwise) that I was invited to or was able to have at my home. In a time with no cell phones, everybody was long distance. Before the internet and with no car, communication outside of school, church or 4-H was limited.

My older sister was smart, and beautiful and had tons of friends. She always seemed happy and I wanted to be just like her. As I grew up, I had to work harder and harder to be noticed. I wasn’t stylish or popular in any way. I was shy and uncomfortable with my size (I’ve always been kind of a runt). I thought I must be missing out on something because I didn’t have a BFF or boyfriends. So I felt I had to do something to get somebody’s attention. I started reading my mom’s romance books that I found hidden in a box in the storage shed. I learned to flirt. If I could look prettier, be sexier, be something different, maybe somebody would like me and I wouldn’t be lonely.

2        the past

Loneliness and depression were common companions. I lived in my books. In the escape that those perfect lives provided. My sister dated some “bad boys” so I followed suit. I befriended the wild boys that lived down the road. All summer long, we’d be at the state park 3 miles away where my family ran the “Snack Shack”. One summer day, when i was about 15, my younger brother and I were up there to manage the shack. The neighbor boys had come swimming, so my brother and I took turns having fun. As I mentioned earlier, money was tight so my swimsuit was worn and no longer fitting right. The shoulder straps kept falling off which attracted the attention of these hormonal teenage boys. I tried acting like it was no big deal because I liked the attention. But one of the boys got the wrong idea. He came behind me and tried to pull the straps off me and lifted me out of the water to show his cousins. I was humiliated and heartbroken because this was a boy I really liked and trusted. A boy that I had hoped I could prove my parents wrong, that he wasn’t as bad as they thought. Trying to keep this a secret from my family so I could still be allowed to have a social life was impossible. I only told my cousin, who was staying with my grandma for the summer. In an attempt to help me and protect me, he told my Grandma, who told my mom.

It should’ve been ok that my parents didn’t want me around those boys anymore, but it made me more rebellious. I wanted to be in control of my life and who my friends were. I was so lonely and desperate to feel wanted that I was willing to sacrifice myself to any kind of attention/abuse. When a 14 year old from my church became pregnant, I was no longer allowed to be friends with her because I might copy her behavior. When my 16 year old cousin became pregnant, I was told I would be disowned if I allowed anything like that to happen to me. Our youth leader often talked about the dangers of premarital sex and being unequally yoked. So I had the constant argument in my head and heart about sex being good or bad.

So, what did I do? When my sister went off to Moorhead State, I followed. I got connected with a family friend of my mom who had a boy a year younger than I was. My parents knew his parents! Finally a boy they would approve of! Well, not really. It didn’t take long for us to start dating anyway. And our relationship became physical. We never had sex because I had my parents’ words hanging over my head. But because I wanted to be wanted, I allowed everything else to happen. Once I did, I felt cheap and dirty. I wanted it to stop, but didn’t know how and didn’t want to lose the only person who I felt cared about me. The conflict in my head and heart about sex and God grew exponentially as I became involved in the Campus Ambassador’s group on campus.

My sister had completed her 4 years at MSU and before she got married, and wanted to attend a Bible college in Canada for a year. Since I had such an emotional conflict going on in my heart regarding the relationship I was in, I decided to follow her to Canada and attend the same school a year later. I dumped the guy from Moorhead and started dating a Canadian. He was 10 years older than me and a deacon at his church so I trusted him. He told me he felt God meant for us to be together. Since I had already considered myself used/damaged goods, and thought we were getting married, I also let things get physically out of hand. He was emotionally abusive and controlling but I denied this to everyone. After the school year, I moved away to save money for our wedding. The distance allowed me to see who he was and how he treated me. I broke it off.

The string of bad relationships continued from there: A drug dealing/alcohol user with jealousy issues and a temper; a high school sweetheart with nice words but full of lies; more emotional abuse, more sexual abuse, lots of bad choices like one night stands and friends with benefits. I got to the point where I was tired of it all. I was tired of the games and the abuse. I prayed God would forgive my bad choices and take control. If he wanted me to be with somebody, he needed to bring him into my life in an obvious way.

3        Beginning with Galen

Around 1999, I moved to Fargo to escape one of those abusive relationships. At a singles Bible Study, I had met Nathan who got me to go with him to Skateland. After that relationship went south, I stopped going skating for fear of running into him. About a year later, my good friend Laura convinced me to go back to Skateland. This is where I met my husband. I had been in my apartment earlier that evening, monkeying with my calendar, the kind where you tear a page off every day. It was getting a big ridge of the rubbery binding sticking up and looking messy so I got out my exacto knife to cut it off. I was wearing my favorite jeans and the knife slipped, slicing a whole in my pants and a deep gouge in my leg. That evening at skateland, after doing a few laps, Laura and I were sitting at a table visiting when Galen came and sat nearby. I vaguely remember seeing him the year previous, as he was an employee of Skateland at the time. I thought he was kinda cute and was impressed by his skating abilities. Anyway, I was telling Laura how I sliced my jeans and my leg. He asked me why I would do that. Those who know me and my family would not be surprised by what came out of my mouth. Totally straight faced I said, “Because I like the feel of pain and the sight of blood.” My personality only intrigued Galen and he wanted to get to know me more.

We spent the first week on the phone or hanging out at the park, just getting to know each other. That weekend, I was asked to drive my 10 year old niece to Watertown where I’d meet up with her parents. I don’t do well with driving long distances. I get sleepy behind the wheel. So, I asked him if he’d like to drive with us. The trip to Watertown was pretty quiet as it is hard to talk with a 10 year old in the car. But on the drive home I decided to take my chances. I told him that I was done dating just for fun and I enjoyed his company. I shared a summary of my baggage and told him this is who I am. If you can accept me in spite of all this, I’d like to see where this goes. He also opened up and shared his story with me.

He grew up with parents who became Christians after they had his older siblings. He was raised as almost an only child as his brother and sister were 10 and 8 years older than him.  I’ve always thought that God created Him specifically for me as his Mom had had her tubes tied for almost 8 years before he was conceived. Her doctor had suggested she get an abortion since he was unplanned and so much younger than his siblings. I’m glad she chose to have him. Anyway, Galen had his share of baggage too: Past relationships that became sexual, rejection issues, and pornography. We agreed to take a chance on each other. This was early April 2001.

Our relationship moved rather quickly. After dating for a month, I knew I wanted to marry him. On August 22nd, my 25th birthday, he proposed to me in my livingroom. My co-workers had teased me, asking if I’d get a big rock for my birthday, and of course, I had told him what they were saying so he proposed with this: (show ring – a key chain ring with a large rock wired to it). Sex before marriage happened and both of us felt lots of guilt but weren’t sure we wanted to stop. He has a really close relationship with his sister and she challenged us to abstain for that last month. It was hard, but we did it to prove that we could. We were married April 20th, 2002. For Our honeymoon, we got a jacuzzi room at the C’mon Inn here in town. Nervous, although we had had sex before, it felt different now. It was allowed... even encouraged... and I was scared and self-conscious. He was so sweet. Knowing I had been stressed and worn out, we took a nap and he gave me a massage and we soaked in the hot tub. Not a lot happened on our honeymoon and I was ok with that.

By now, the internet was available and online porn became interesting. I had never seen it before but decided to watch with him. We purchased dvd’s together and would watch them together. It felt wrong, but I’d rather he watched it with me than alone. He went to a Promise Keepers event in the cities and came home determined to break that addiction that porn had become. We broke and trashed all the videos. This was the start of a vicious cycle in our marriage. You see, because of my past and the abuse I experience, now that I was securely married, a part of my heart didn’t see sex as necessary anymore. It had become a way to hold onto a guy, to feel loved. We agreed before we married that divorce would never be an option so he was stuck with me, for better or for worse.

I struggled with depression and anxiety, so I saw a counselor at The Village. We worked through a few of my issues, mostly in regards to my family, and life appeared better. I had been on and off anti-depressants for years, never finding the one that would make me feel normal. Because of where I was, sex wasn’t important. And because of his own issues, he couldn’t ask even though his need was great. So after I went to bed, he’d get online and find release. I would catch him at it and he’d feel bad. We started watching together again. Then I’d get guilty and convince him we had to quit. And for a while things would be fine. But it would start over and over again.

4        4 years ago

By 2008, he was working for a work-a-holic who had him going out of town all the time, home mostly on weekends. I was a stay at home mom of a 4 year old and a 1 year old. After catching him watching porn again and finding out he had been lying to me for months, I had had enough. We cried and yelled. We pointed fingers and placed blame on each other. I had been failing him as a wife. His love language is physical touch and I wasn’t meeting that need. He had been failing me, too. My love language is quality time, but with his job he was never home. When he was home, he needed me and sex. But I had a hard time giving him what he needed because I wasn’t getting what I needed. We had read the love languages book. We had been to the Family Life Marriage Conference. We knew what needed to be done, but neither one of us wanted to be the one to do the giving. We both thought we needed to be filled by the other one first. In addition to this, sex was painful. I kept experiencing tearing of my perineum.  The fear of tearing would cause me to be tense during sex which made the likelihood of me tearing greater. I avoided sex because i didn’t want it to hurt and he didn’t ask because he didn’t want to hurt me.

I went to a physical therapy specialist to help stretch out my perineum so I wouldn’t tear anymore. Also, I went back to counseling, this time at Valley Christian Counseling Center. We worked through so many things: my relationship with my parents, my past relationships, where we were now, his addiction and how it was affecting me. I joined a support group for the wives of porn addicts and found some healing with this group of women. I shared our struggles with all the Christian women I knew as I asked for prayer support.  I wanted to be covered with God’s protection and never felt like my prayers were enough. A friend, whose husband also dealt with this addiction, referred me to the Partner’s for Purity website: This online forum was my lifeline. The people there answered my questions because they had been where I was. There was even a male available to answer my questions from the point of view of a former addict. I also found out that 2 of my friends were in failing marriages partially because of the damage of porn addiction to their relationship. Their marriages ended that year in divorce.

We tried couples counseling at VCCC, but Galen wasn’t in a place where he could hear that he was in the wrong, that his actions were hurting me and our marriage. He went to a couple sessions on his own and tried the Porn Addicts support group but never felt he was being heard. I reached out to a friend, a former high school crush, and was tempted to have an affair. It only took a couple days and several hours talking on the phone to him to realize how much I loved Galen and I didn’t want to ruin our marriage any further by another stupid choice.

Instead, I started reading books and websites on low libidos and recovering from porn addiction. I found blog after blog of good advice. I stumbled across a podcast called “One Extraordinary Marriage” where they found the key to improving their life was to create greater intimacy in all areas. I shared their first podcast with Galen, which only made him feel worse, as it was titled “60 days of Sex”. They told the story of how they set out to attempt to have sex every day for 60 days to see what happened to their life. Galen saw this as impossible in our relationship and it made him depressed. But I kept listening. Podcast number 7 was called, “Pornography: A Secret that can destroy your marriage”. I listened and cried. I asked Galen to listen to that one podcast. If he listened to nothing else, this one was important.

Almost 1 year after I confronted him with the choice: Porn or his family, He decided. He listened to that podcast.  And then he started listening to the other podcasts this couple did. He started meeting with our pastor every week and I noticed changes taking place. Love was growing again. I continued to work on me, and healing from the pain his addiction caused. He became willing to use Covenant Eyes (A filter for the computer).

5        Today

In 2012, we celebrated our 10 year anniversary by renewing our vows in front of a small group of family and friends. We want our marriage to be an example to our kids that it’s not always easy to be married, but God can equip us with the right tools to help us work through anything. Our relationship is far from perfect. We still have fights. We still struggle to have an amount of sex that makes both of us happy. However, we have experienced such growth through this. It no longer takes months before a problem surfaces in a fight, but often comes out in the open within a few days. We are learning how to talk things out and how to listen to each other better. In February, another website we have both started following made a 10-day challenge to couples: to have sex once a day for 10 days in a row. This was our 3rd attempt at a challenge like this and our first successful one. It went so well that I said I’d attempt it again in a few months.

            Conclusion:

The MOPS theme verse this year is: 1 Peter 4:8-11 (The Message) “Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. Be quick to give a meal to the hungry, a bed to the homeless — cheerfully. Be generous with the different things God gave you, passing them around so all get in on it: if words, let it be God's words; if help, let it be God's hearty help. That way, God's bright presence will be evident in everything through Jesus, and he'll get all the credit as the One mighty in everything — encores to the end of time. Oh, yes!”

At any point in the past, if you had asked me if I felt God was there, helping us, I’d probably have said no in the moment. It’s hard to see him when it feels like life is falling apart. Looking back with my eyes wide open today, I can see that He was there. He put the people I needed in places I could find them, the blogs and books, the friends. In the hard times, I blindly trusted Him; that He will guide our steps and our words, and, above all, His love will shine through. And that we can give Him praise even in the storms.

Back again

Its been too long since I posted. But its time to try and get on track. Might take a slightly different direction with some of these posts. May be more recipes. Starting with this one. :) I made these Peanut Butter Bars for Life Group last week. I didn't have many leftovers! Not sure where I got the recipe from, but its a favorite at our house. I stole the picture from my friend, Kathryn.

Peanut Butter Bars
1/2 c butter, softened
1/2 c sugar
1/2 c packed brown sugar
1 egg
1/3 c peanut butter
1 tsp vanilla
1 c flour
1 c quick oats
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt

Frosting
1/4 c butter
1/4 c milk
1 c sugar
1/2 c chocolate chips

Preheat oven at 350 degrees. In a mixing bowl, cream butter and sugars. Beat in egg, peanut butter and vanilla. Combine the dry ingredients and add them to the creamed mixture. Mix well. Spread in a greased 9x13 pan. Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes (do not overbake!) Cool.

For the frosting, combine the butter, milk and sugar in a sauce pan; bring to a boil. Remove from the heat; stir in chocolate chips. Cool until thickened. Frost cooled bars.